My mind is my mind
by SilverHunter
Summary: EnvyEd. We all have hard and easy time but in some point everything is just too much.
1. Chapter 1

In this story everybody are humans and they have feelings. Envy is one of my favorite so you will read about him a lot. This story is full of sweet thing, love and caring, and bad things, swearing and angst. If you ask me nicely I will maybe change it the way you want it to go. 

Ou and if you don't like man and man love you will be better just leave me and my stories alone.

My couples? Hmm… Envy and Ed… Roy Riza… and maybe Al and Ed. I am not sure jet. 

**My mind is my mind.**

GHAPTER 1 

'No body can take everything inside and just smile. Sometime we have to just cry and feel the pain. Why I feel it so often? Am I really that weak? No I am not. That is something that I am not… I maybe pity my self but I like to thing that I have right to do that. She hates me. My mother hates me and I hate her.'

"ENVY! You little worthless shit you did it again!"

"So what?! You are not going to boss me around any more! I am not listening you just because you are my mother! I never haven't!" Envy shouted inside his room and watched as his mother tried to open the door whit her key.

"That doesn't work pitch!"

"You chanced your lock!… And you did it whit my money!!"

"Of course I did it with your money! You don't ever give me any freely!" Envy shouted even louder and closed his eyes tightly.

"I hate you!"

"I hate you to! More than anything else!"

"Why can't you be like Wrath! He is so much better child than you! You never do anything what I am asking you to do!"

"You could ask me! You never ASK! You just start bossing me around and hitting me!"

"Somebody have to teach you some manners! Otherwise you are always just that kid who can't do anything right! Otherwise I am not ever letting you to that stupid school you want to go!"

"I will go there! You can't stop me!"

"Yes I can!"

"If you do that then I will never ever even try to be nice to you!"

"How is that different from this moment?!"

"It is!"

"You are so infuriating! I can't believe that you really are my child! If I would have to decide now do a want you or not I would do the abort!"

"Dante stop it…"

"No I wont! I have had enough! He is not my child!" Dante shouted and walked fast away from his brother Pride leaving him watch again after her seven child and especially her oldest son who was now as quiet as he always was after they fight.

"Envy…"

"Pride… Leave me alone. Go play with Wrath or something." Envy said little quieter than he usually would speak and rested middle his room floor just listening everything around him.

"Envy I know what you are thinking… I…"

"No you don't know Pride. My mind is my mind and just mine so go… I want to sleep."

'I want to see what my mind can make me see again…'

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	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 

"Lust? Why is mom yelling so loud again? And why she is yelling to Envy?" Wrath asked quietly to his older sister who was sitting in her bed and watched her in the floor.

Lust sighed and smiled a little. "Because Envy was again that bad boy who mother don't like. She is trying to change Envy by yelling him so much."

"But Envy is who he is. He had always said that to everyone and he is not going to change no matter what." Wrath said looked little sad now. Envy was dear to him no matter how much he steal their money or yelled them. He would always protect them and also teach them to live in this world.

"Yeah but that dosen't mean that mother is going to like it what he do. We all know how much things she and he has been going through. It's pain full but we all have to live whit our sins." Lust said and messed up Wraths hair a little.

"You are right like always Lust but still…"

"Stop that Wrath. I will tell you same thing that I was telling Gluttony the other night. No matter how dark things seem someplace is even darker. Your life can be really bad but still it's not hopeless. You always have someone to talk. Even if it is someone you don't really know…"

"But how does that help? If you tell your story to someone you don't know, he or she can't help you! And people don't even care peoples who they don't know…"

"That's not true Wrath." Lust said smiling.

"Envy has experienced it. You were not here then. You were on your friends place that weekend when it happened."

"Really? What happened? Tell me, please Lust! How long time ago did it happen?"

"Well not long… He was seventeen then so now it has been a one year ago… And he was fighting with mother again as usually but this time mother did something that she never had done…"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

_What happened a one year ago?_

**Part 1.**

The world was quiet and really peaceful. It was just now that kind of place where everyone would want to be.

Envy was just walking. He didn't even remember when he had done that last time. He wasn't in hurry to go somewhere, like school. Actually he had skipped school today. He know that he shouldn't do that because he was his teachers nagging toy and worst his mothers. But now he didn't want to think anything. He just wanted to walk his head empty.

Every tree what he watched he did see clearly. He wasn't drunk now jet he wouldn't complain if he was. It was good feeling. That was his opinion. When he was drunk he could sleep really deep but of course he didn't like the next day usually. No body didn't. Just the though was smiling him. Should he buy a some alcohol? Maybe enough for his siblings too? Jeah.

Envy watched around him. Everywhere were trees but also a some buildings so he was… hmm… about a hour walk from the city now? Normally he wouldn't come this far because here where really irritating crowd. Peoples who just wanted to dye or who just cared they self. Envy didn't want to dye and he didn't think only him self.

He wasn't that gain of person who did help a some little thing but he Had helped couple a times some people who couldn't defend then self. No body who didn't know him didn't also know that he was one of the best fighters in this town. He was better than his own mother who had teach him everything but he had also got teaching from others.

He walked in said a little store and smiled on the seller who smiled back at him. Ou, how he loved those guys like this seller who just would just watch him without saying anything. They where so too lovely, a little shy but still so warm from him.

Jess… He was horny, he was gay and he was hungry for peoples for they body heat.

He picked some cider on the shelf and walked slowly besides counter smiling playfully for the salesman who didn't blush but was clearly avoiding his eyes hint of smile in his lips.

"That would be 11.50, sir."

"Can I pay whit my body?" Envy asked in a sweet voice and smiled even more charmingly.

The salesman now blushed so dark red that Envy couldn't hide his little laughter escaping his mouth.

"I-I don't think that that would be…"

"What? Legal?" Envy asked still smiling and graced his hair behind his ear.

"What is your name?"

"Alphonse Heiderich."

"That's a good name but a little too long. Can I call you Al?"

Alphonse only giggled a little and scratched his head still a little blushing. He looked so sweet in Envys eyes right now.

"I want to eat you…" Envy whispered and leaned over the desk so that he could be more close to his prey who was no again blushing and little backing away what made Envy jump on the desk and kiss him.

Alphonse tensed and his eyes widened. Someone who didn't even know was kissing him! And he liked it but before he could even respond Envy bulled away smiling like some devil.

"You are quite shy."

"I am not really used to some strange people start flirting and kissing me." Alphonse said little (ärsyyntyneenä) and watched this man in front of him really (arvioivasto). This was so odd.

"Why? Haven't no body tried to seduce you?" Envy asked plinking and leaned a little closer again so he could smell Al vanilla aroma same time when he looked his crystal blue eyes.

Al swallowed but looked at Envy straight in the eyes when he answered a little quieter than he had mean. "No…"

Envy opened his mouth to say something but closed it and turned to look at the door when he heard it being opened and there stood a cutest guy he did seen in so long time. He licked his lips like maniac and (pörrötti alin hiuksia ennen kuin hyppäsi tiskiltä pois).

"Alphonse. Who is this guy?"

Envy froze. That voice was not cute. It was sexy! Ouh how he wanted to hear him cry out his name in ecstasy. The thought almost make him harder.

"I… What was your name again?" Alphonse asked a little blush on his cheeks and watched Envy smile him so sweet way.

"I don't think my name is important Al. But your name is important." He said and watched this new guy like he was pure honey. He almost was. His eyes were like gold and his hair too. He remembered him about those Romen gods.

"I am Edward." Boy said in little too cold voice for Envys opinion and walked over to Al whispering him something.

"I think you should leave." Ed said even colder and watched Envy like some dangerous maniac what made something Envys mind stop smiling.

Al and Ed watched as Envy take his purchases, turned around expressionless and walked out the door not turning to watch them even one.

"He wasn't mean to me Ed." Al said and smiled a little. "He was pretty nice and kind. He wasn't like the others."

Ed turned to watch Al a little surprised. "Why didn't you say that sooner them? Do you mean I drive away a actually nice person? No way!"

Now Al laughed and hugged Edward and messed up little his hair.

"Jeah, cousin. You drive away a guy who didn't bush me around but who still wanted sex."

"Huh. Then I did the right thing?"

"Actually… I am not sure." Al answered thinking and scratched his head.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Envy sighed hands in his pocket and leaned his back on the park bench. He tried to make all his thoughts go away but it didn't seem to work this time. He couldn't stop his breath tremble. He hated this so much when it happened. His mind just couldn't stop this!

His could feel his strength go away when a few tears were making their way out of his eyes so he closed them tightly.

Why she have to always call me when I am somewhere when I don't want to see or hear her? Why she can't just leave me alone!?

He always said that he hated his mother and he did but she still was his mother. She was that person who should be always on his side and not the side of the others. She was more devil to him that she was to everyone else.

He lifted his last bottle in his lips and drink every drop down in his throat.

"Our life is ours…" He whispered and relaxed. Maybe I can sleep a little. It has been so long time, when I have sleep well last time.

Envy sighed again ones more and started to already miss his drinks.

"Umm… Excuse me. Can I sit here? I would like some company but if I disturb you then i…"

Envy opened his eyes and pulled his hood away shadowing on his face.

"You are so lovely that I don't mind at all." Envys lips twisted in a grinning smile.

"You are…"

"Yes. Helou again blond." Envy watched Edwards eyes like he would want them for himself like he wanted his body and more alcohol.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.

_What happened a one year ago?_

**Part 2.**

Edward watched eyes wide and full of questions this man before him like he would have come somewhere where was no life. He remembered his well, really well, even if it was hours ago when he had seen him couple of minutes.

"You are…"

Envy smiled in the most charming way he could and put his empty beer bottle in the ground before he tapped the bench his little red face shining with joy.

"I very happy that you want to sit here with me and not someone else." He murmured looked this gold blond boy in that kind of way what would have made so many other peoples blush but not this one. Ed just snorted and looked around them.

"If your alcoholic full mind can remember anything and notice anything then you would remember that I said I wanted to talk with someone and you would see that here is not anyone other peoples near probably in miles away now." Ed said his voice cold but Envy didn't notice or actually he did somehow but he didn't want to notice it so he just watched around them his eyes half closed.

The place was really black and unwelcoming now when he actually paid any attention to it. The only light was coming from some lonely light pillar couple of meters away and it wasn't even working well because it's light get ones in a minute really dim for a couple of seconds. He looked behind him only to find that he couldn't see a lot more than little bit a green mass of long grass. bushes, tree trunks and lot of shadows what seemed to move. He turned to look on his left because he didn't want to look at the light pillar on his right again. It made his eyes hurt a little when he watched it. There on his left where nothing.

He smiled a little and closed his eyes.

"You can sit."

Ed didn't move for a couple of moment and neither did Envy and their both had good reasons for it. Ed was trying to decide if he should just walk away because he wasn't jet seen anything what would mean that this man was not different from those who usually where drinking here and Envy was trying to make himself really relax so that he wouldn't chase his talking partner away.

Slowly Edward sighed so quietly that no one could here him and sat besides the almost sleeping looking long haired man who smiled his heart starting to warm a little.

"Thank you…"

Ed blinked once and looked Envy for a second but didn't say anything for a moment because first tried to think himself why had he thanked him but when he couldn't think any reason he just opened his mouth to ask it out loud.

"Why are you thanking me?"

"Because you are not walking away from me…" Envy said his voice sounding happy and sad in the same time and that made Ed blink again before he just smiled.

"I actually was thinking it."

"Thinking is not same thing as doing. Usually peoples think and act in opposite ways and this time I am more than thank full from it." Envy wishpered in the same time when he opened his eyes and looked Ed eyes where he saw more than he had expected.

"I am surprised. You are not just a piece of flesh what is connected to brains what thing only sex and alcohol." Ed laughed and now smiled like Envy wanted to see everyone smile.

"We all are just piece of flesh." Envy wishpered and sighed hard. "And flesh we want."

Ed rolled his eyes and licked his dry lips in Envy's eyes really lovely way. 'He really is something what can't be something what he seem to be.'

"I don't understand what is so good about sex."

Envy's ears were almost going to stop working in the same time when his mind started to really work or actually not. There was only one sentence what repeated itself inside his private mind and faster than he had think could be possible he opened his mouth and said out loud in that kind of what would make anyone think that you are going to faint in any minute because it was so shocking.

"Are you a virgin!?"

Ed stopped moving and even breathing. His heart seemed stopped beating too for a moment before it started to work so fast that Ed almost thought that it would soon explode. He could feel his face changing so red that there would be soon almost half of his body blood.

"It's my business what I do and what not so Shut up!"

Envy closed his moth and swallowed his words what screamed to be free. How could this blond man with his charm, pleasant voice and nice body be untouched?! Well actually Envy was sure that at least someone had touched him in a pleasant way, have to had... But then again this life here in the earth was full some kind of miracles and thinks that were too much to understand if you don't really want to understand it.

"It's not… Everyone… Almost everyone who I have knew and wanted to be close have been in the ending something else what I have think they are… Even myself…" Ed wishpered suddenly quietly and closed his eyes in that kind of way what Envy know too well.

"I know what you mean…"

Ed didn't say anything but his head moved toward the ground and his hands travelled slowly their way on his face to cover it like some kind of protection shield.

Envy know that his lovely blond was almost grossing the line somewhere on his pain full memories and soon when his body started to shiver more than the cold wind would make it shiver Envy knew that he was crying hard and even if he wanted to he didn't tough the blond.

"Life is hard… But there are happy times… Times when we can truly smile and dance because there is a reason for it. We all have something what we want to hide and something what we want peoples to notice without saying it out loud…" Envy said just as quietly as Edward was crying and watched the forest like it would soon be something more beautiful than it was now.

"It doesn't matter that there is pain… Do you know why? Because if there is no pain then there is not going to be joy either. There always have to be the opposite that we could feel the other opposite what we want to feel."

Ed gulped and nodded before he tried to wipe his salty tiers away from his eyes and face. "It's like… Everything what we do is useless…"

"Yeah and it's really starting to piss me off because I don't want to feel this way. I hate it when I can't pull myself up to my self pity. I hate myself those times when I just can't stop crying over those things that I hope would be other way. I don't look others who cry like they where weak because I think that they are not but I just don't stand it from myself."

Ed watched Envy little while and could feel his lips starting to turn in to sad smile.

"Why?"

Envy didn't answer right away. He closed his eyes and just breathed the clear night air and that little smell what was floating on the forest trying to make his soul feel peace for even a short moment with someone who wasn't going to do nothing more than just sit besides him.

"What do you think… Will the sky drop water soon?"

"You are not answering in my question."

Envy's smile only got bigger by little and he watched Edwards eyes. He probably could never say it or do it but he really wanted now wipe those wet tear trails away gently and then kiss him over the head.

"Because one of my friends one told me that he hated see me crying… And every time when I cry I can feel him watching me his eyes starting to get wet too like they always did…" Envy whispered and turned his face toward the ground. He could feel Edwards eyes on him but it actually was not annoying at all and especially not when he felt his hand on his shoulder.

"I am sorry…"

"It's not your fault. You didn't know that that question would bring bad memories on surface… It's just…"

"I know…" Edward said quietly and caressed Envy's long hair gently and actually was a little surprised when Envy closed his eyes and leaned in to his thoughts.

"You still haven't told your name."

Envy just smiled and laughed licking his dry lips small blush in his cheeks.

"My name is Envy, mister Edward."


End file.
